Friday, September 11, 2009

A little bit of letting go

A little bit of letting go is sometimes a good thing. Two days ago we took our oldest son, Brendin, to the airport. He is in Heidelberg, Germany for school for the next 9 months. It was a sweet good-bye as we hugged and hung out for the last few moments - all excited for him to go and have a great year and experience great things. We got home late in the afternoon and all was well. That night I thought about him being on the plane and I just smiled, praying that God would safely take him to places he had never been before, physically, emotionally and spiritually throughout the upcoming odyssey.

Yesterday morning I got up and realized - Brendin is gone! He is half way across the world until we fly him home at Christmas. I know it is not final and I know it is a good thing - but none-the-less, he is gone!

For years I have told people in crisis that grief comes in waves, just like the ocean tide. The waves of grief and realization roll in and over you. You have no control over how often they come or how hard they hit. You have only to try to control your reaction to them. I didn't think these same kinds of waves would come from something as simple as sending Brendin overseas. I have learned that they do.

For a couple of reasons I have talked to Brendin via video on Skype both yesterday and today. We had to tie up some loose ends that we didn't foresee - being rookies at this "study abroad" thing. In that process I could see the faintest relief in his face within just a few seconds after the video came up and we could see each other. I heard the faintest longing for home and familiar friends in his voice. I thought maybe I was reading too much into all this, but then it happened. It was 1:00 in the morning his time and we were wrapping up a talk about money and other mundane necessities. He said he was tired and needed to go to bed. I said I would let him go and then paused thinking how tired he looked and he jumped out to say, "Good night, Dad. I love you." In all of the times I have talked to him on the phone, or Facebook or in person over the last year since he graduated, I have always said "I love you" first. He would sometimes answer,"I love you too" but not always. On this night through the internet from half way across the world, he said "I love you" first.

It caused me to pause after hanging up the call. It caused me to pray in thanksgiving to God for the son I have in Germany. It made want to appreciate the two kids at home a bit more openly. It caused me to wonder how soon Tami would be home from work so we could just be in the same place and not take it for granted.

In just two days, Brendin's short absence has taught me that a little bit of letting go causes us to hold each other tighter in powerful, important ways. A little bit of letting go is a good thing.

A wise person once said of lovers that "absence makes the heart grow fonder." I guess that can also true for Dads and sons.

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